July 25th, 2002

vanity

Хорошее утро, бэби!

Лёг вчера в 11, встал в 6.30 с удовольствием, но без куража — погода темнит, темнит, прячет от меня чистое небо, так что даже мой последний этаж не особенно помогает — когда у тебя над головой облачный Солярис, никакого удовольствия от утра не испытываешь, так как для удовольствия нужен переливающийся красками рассвет и слепящее солнце.

Ну да, зато не жарко. И интернет выключен. И вообще всё спокойно и бирюзово — slightly vibrant and disturbing but alright, and the haze in the streets makes up for absence of the beautiful view — this oh so subtle type of fog is enchanting. Washing up, then coming back to the keyboard to realize only that I can't realize anything, so there passes some time to try to wake up a little bit more, then catching myself laying with my forehead on the elbows, placed above the desk and day-dreaming.

Therefore no way to do what was planned so I pull my slow yet personality that is trying to linger those sweet moments of doing nothing. Pushed myself in the shower to make the washing up as complete as possible, dreaming for a little in the bath, then climbing up the holding on the walls and beginning the procedure: alternating hot and cold streams finally gets me up and awake.

Yeah, for sure, afterwards I tried to fall asleep while walking away from the bath-room, but several minutes of morning exercises helped to quickly get rid of the „state of eternal sleepiness.“ Some work then, some breakfast, some coffee with milk, some smiles and unidentifiably cheerful and deeply sparkling ticklish feeling inside. With that I left home in the morning to just check, what will be next. Next was deliverance.

I should note at this place of the story that yesterday after my complaints about complete absence of any new and matching my recent moods music were made, I "rediscovered" FBS: Between the gutter and the stars. Alas, the сd itself has been left at home in a transparent case (one of those, with vacuum zipper, as they name it). Today just before leaving for work I found the disk and made sure that I won't forget it — noah, no way, man. And... Yeah.

Coming out of the elevator, stepping into the cool atmosphere of the morning, feeling this air flowing around yourself literally reanimating your "inner cat" — curious and playful. And those Demons... Yes, it is as good as it gets.

Rhythm and the overall feel of Demons is very, very much alike and has a lot in common with my own light-hearted state of mind as of today. It's as if I finally got out of my head all those freaking and wrong fellow thoughts that tried to cheat me and use as their own mouthpiece and at the moment I almost complied. "Shush!", — I said to myself after a bit of trying to beat with intruders, because I was indeed fighting my own self. You do know how this all happens, for sure, ah?

Once you are relaxed (or just overly open and perceiving — anyway, more than it's usual for you) and are feeling yourself empty — here they come. All types and colors and tastes of the "homeless concepts" and ideas are starting to invade you as if you're their last resort (in a way you are, yes).

Time passes, you recover after relaxation thinking that "that's it for the rest", raise your head... and just in time to find out that not your self now presents a majority in your mind. Nah.

That's a usual thing, you say to yourself and courageously force your way into their well-disposed and orderly rows (as much as anything chaotic may be "well-disposed" at all). You break in and... voila! You are among yourself, surrounded by your own replicas, your own thoughts, unable to sort out the sheep from the goats. Hey, sweetheart, they're all you!

You eradicate this — and it seemed to be wrong! but turns out that it wasn't and they direct your force against yourself. You touch that — and it melts under your touch evading and with girlish giggles making fun of you. Devious creatures!

There're better ways than direct approach anyway. That's what I did. Calming down, setting a comforting and empty silence in your head — and aliens are obliged to comply now — either they get silent as the rest of your mind (and this shuts them completely too which they can't stand themselves — they want to talk, to be realized, to be cherished, not perished!) or they oppose and set themselves off against you openly which will simplify your task, making up a clear view of "what else should be thrown out."

Today it was the final stage — when nothing improper stays in your world, and you remember your past, your present and future — remember as if it has already happened. Wonderful feeling of freedom and coolness. Charming. Cheering up. Comforting and very nice in general.

I feel that self-sufficient love to myself again, being sure that I am as wonderful as a person of my faith only can be.

blah. Amn't I good, eh?

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  • Current Music
    Demons — Fat Boy Slim [Between the gutter and the stars]
cats

[ M ] Song of the day: Demons

(piano comes in) ...they said she had a heart-attack and that the preacher is coming back... blah-la-la-la-lalah... All of your demons will wither away... Extasy comes and they cannot stay You 'll understand when you come my way, cause all of my demons have withered away... (chorus) La-la, wither away... all of my demons have withered away...

(humming and humming all again).

 
 

  • Current Music
    Demons — Fat Boy Slim [Between the gutter and
vanity

I am not a preacher, that's for sure. (Church-building)

Umm.. how long it has been since then? Nine? Or eight years? Anyway, first it happened when I was reading Heinlein's "Stranger in a strange land" for the second, I guess, time. It was a period when I was carefully following and picking out society details and constructions that were presented by R.A. (Robert Anson — it's the first and the middle names of Heinlein — ubs), all of the nuances and tricky places in his book. The Smith's contemplative "buddhistic" attitude and habit of changing the world indirectly is very confusing at first and really captivating at a second glance.

It took me a week or two to read it through and around six to nine weeks to think through. Unfortunately, I don't have any records left (I didn't think then that I'll ever need to record anything at all until I found out that not only rubbish, but also useful concepts are leaking through my memory holes if not written down), but I quite well recall how my thoughts were revolving around the book and the world itself.

I decided then that I should consider planning and organizing my own (our own, to be certain. Oh, vice versa — "our own", but mine in fact) church and religious party — it is one of the best ways to build a complete, solid, healthy society, unlike any other means I've known by then and know by now.

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That's the way my reasons roamed and finally I found myself staying in front of the heaven gates — with the words "authorised personnel only, please" inscribed over them and slightly glowing in the twilight of my evening. It was my first unathorised penetration when I was taking a look around. And to my surprise nothing much was different — same people (more sincere, I think, and less obsessed with themselves), same landscapes, but nothing absolutely different as I expected.

That really got to me! I was analyzing the book again — yes, there it is in between the lines: "as soon as you have people, you have the people's world with them". It means that if I was to create the perfect society, I was going to keep the usual habits people have, give several new rituals (carefully laid out, tested on paper and on live people, then slowly and invisibly introduced to the community).

The church building for me includes several specific stages, as any more or less large-scale project.

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After all I drafted several scenarios and possible directions — both interesting in the terms of economical and insightful values, as well as suiting the needs of a flexible and dynamic community I was going to build.

This is still one of my most major and global intentions and hopefully I will begin at least planning phase, or, if I am lucky and the project will interest someone whom I will be able to trust completely, we could realize the church itself. There's only one problem so far. Little problem, yeah.

I am not a preacher, that's for sure.

I am not a charismatic leader and not an inspiring example. I am good at subtle consulting, weaving plots and so forth. But I am not directly energetic. Preaching and evangelism suck all the juices out from me, though I am sure I can sometimes get on a stage and walk away from it alive. I just won't be humongously effective in charming those good people. I won't be able to make them sing and dance if I will be on my own. So I need a partner. An actor. Genius, open and fresh as dashing wind. I need him desperately and I know what he should be like and I pray for only one thing — may he complement me not only in the acting, but also in down-to-earthnessness and still be able to day-dream and imagine the future as well as I do.

It would make me more than happy. Intellectual church. Ha.

Tail-wings:

  • walk around heaven — what you learn when you sneak a peek
  • church of perfection — your own haven to hide from the imperfect reality
  • society building — not that I really want to build it from the ground up
  • dianetics — learn what it's made of